How many marriages and divorces have I chosen?

in The Ink Well2 years ago

https://lifeinseparable.org/2019/08/30/reasons-for-divorce/

'Have a boyfriend?' 'Married? 'It is not possible to accurately determine when the boundary that the object changed from'boyfriend' to'marriage' began. It just seems like that from some moment. In reality (?), those questions that have come up to me only recently, far from marriage, have disappeared. The reason I don't ask anymore is because I think I'd be married because of my age, but... I suddenly became curious. In the end, how many marriages and divorces did I choose in response to the question I asked if I was'single'?

I was determined not to talk to people who were not close to my personal life. Especially at a drinking party with people I met for work. Rumors exist in any industry. Even if there were some facts, MSG was added to rumors as they were passed from mouth to mouth like oral tradition, and sometimes lies were wrapped up as truth. Rumors that wander like truth like that have a longer life expectancy than expected, and in some cases, stories of seniors, seniors, and seniors were still alive. I don't care about stories like heroic or saga. Those stories have something to do and learn.

However, the stories of'love' and'married life' were different. I hated that a very private story of the two was treated as an'episode' to just laugh and enjoy, and consumed like snacks at a drinking party. It's as if the time I spent with my loved ones and the heart I loved were thrown away like disposable garbage. Most of all, it was passed on to people who didn't even know me, and it was terrible to think that this person or that person would talk about me without a valid period. It was something I could stop if I didn't say it, so I lived with my mouth shut on that part. And I believed that the other person would also.

So it wasn't a difficult question to answer. There is no boyfriend because there is no, and there is no. When it ends there, it goes according to my scenario... but the reality is not. Why not. Isn't the snow too high? What style do you like? Anyone in this position is okay, but do you have any plans to meet? Or what about the person next to him? Regardless of my wishes, many people and I began to match. I couldn't even say,'Is this only me uncomfortable?' A drinking party that everyone except me looks happy. I didn't want to be a'mood messer'. Instead of answering, I laughed, laughed again, and just laughed. Listening with one ear and flowing with one ear, I got used to such a time and gradually became dull.

Ah! Esca, how are you as a girlfriend

He was asking his junior who seemed to be eight years younger than me . Because of that, all of the eyes at the dinner table were suddenly pointing at him, the only person who had just started social life. I saw in his face the old me who was his age . Who look to know bewilderment and annoyance enough to shift his face Scotland in was hit. Of course, it wasn't a question I was meant to ask. It was just for fun (!). I awakened it by laughing moderately for a very long time , but this ordeal seemed difficult for him, the first time ever. And, as everyone expected, he was hooked on questions and couldn't do this or that. 10. 9. 8. 7..... The countdown that can only be heard by my ears has begun. As I did someday . Then I had to say something I didn't even think of and use my hand before it became more out of control. The danger signal pressed me, not him.

But I... I
went there once

I don't know why the word came out. I said'Oops' first. However, everyone was already taking it seriously to correct that it was a joke to escape the situation. The only comfort is that he and I were able to escape from an uncomfortable situation in an instant. It was a situation that I had suffered countless times until then, but it was the first time that the situation was cleared up in an instant. I knew. It was definitely a word that crossed the line. I shouldn't be joking again in this way, but on the one hand, it was so good. That one word can keep everyone's mouth shut. It was as if I had a Master Card. In the end, that moment was the only time I promised I would never do it again. Not only did I tell the lie many times after that, but it started getting worse and worse. It was because they evolved (?) like me. Someday I was a single mother.

What they said to laugh was painful. I wanted to avoid the suffering anyway. To do that, I used the reality of someone other than myself. I hope not, but it was a story that could hurt or hurt someone. I thought that I was no different from those who were making me laugh and having trouble with me, and I stole other people's stories for fun.

I realized after making countless mistakes. The fact that at least one person can never laugh when it comes to laughing.
Who decides'Let's laugh'?

I still have scars
If it’s something that makes others laugh
Am I honestly saying I hate it?
Is it right to laugh and pass over pretending to be okay?

'I'm sick to laugh together,
If you don't laugh alone, it's weird to me.

Like this or that
I'm the only one who pays attention to those words.

Sometimes between words and words,
Interpreting the other’s sincerity
My fast-conscious mind is vulgar.

I know it's not meant to stab me.
I know it's not so
I couldn't say anything.

I just laughed.